Keep Listening | Finding Purpose in the unknown

For so many years I tried to find my purpose. I tried to figure out what it was that I was supposed to do to give me importance. To set me apart from everyone else who seemed to be doing the same things on paper. What was it about me that was going to change the world? What was going to give me value? To give me worth? I was searching for what was going to make me, me in works/what I was able to accomplish. That longing in me to know where I stood in this world. All that changed this week when it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears poured out and I knew my job is simply to live and love the one in front of me. It doesn’t sound glamorous, it doesn’t get you recognition, or likes, or re-posts. But its what He did for me and it’s how I mirror the love of my heavenly father. I know, I know. I should know this by now. Its exactly what the bible is all about. BUT, I never really believed that truth until this week.

We can carry head knowledge for years, decades even but until we allow it a place in our hearts we will never walk it out. Knowledge without heart knowledge is worthless.

So today we rested from striving. We met new friends from places I used to live. We honored those who served. We thanked them with tears in our eyes aware we will never understand the sacrifices they made so that we could run around Kansas City laughing full of joy without a second thought. This week something shifted. It was beyond a feeling or emotion. My focus was shifted back to the one who gives my life purpose, who gave me value, who choose me before I even knew choosing me was an option.

Today I fought back tears as I saw why He has me here. We may not stick around Kansas City forever but this place has established and rooted me in being able to see life in a new way. In my twenties I ran. I ran from every pain, every ounce of shame, from every breakup. It’s how I ended up here in KC orginally. I had my heart broken eight years ago and needed an escape. I knew I needed to set my eyes on what really mattered. Jesus. So for six months I spent day and night worshipping, praying, and journaling while attending an internship called the Onething Internship here in Kansas City. Now eight years later I have no clue (honestly, NO CLUE)  where we will end up, or what the next step is. Today I felt the Lord telling me “just keep listening”. A month ago, a year ago, even 3 years ago I would not have been satisfied with that answer. I would have retraced my steps that day, that week, that month trying to search for hidden clues as to what is next. Searching between the lines for answers. Trying to connect dots that weren’t there. But today something happened. I was able to rest in His words. Knowing He will never lead me somewhere that He has not already prepared me for. So I took Him at His word and trusted Him. When its time for Him to speak again He will.

And when He does reveal more of the story whether it be when we get there or after I will continue to do my best to stop for the one.

I may not understand why certain chapters were written in my story, but thats okay. One day I will understand. I’ve come to realize If He isn’t in a hurry to show me the ‘why’ today then its my job to shift my focus back on what His eyes ARE on today. Who is He speaking over? How can I partner with what He is doing today? Who is the one that He is looking to love today? Who is it that needs acknowledgement? A hug, a bill paid for, a smile, a greeting, a job, a text saying I see you. Where He is leading I genuinely have no clue.

Two months ago I thought I saw where we were going, what was going to happen but Gods been bringing me back to His heart and what moves His heart. It all comes back to stopping for the one. Today I am thankful. Grateful for all I have. Knowing there is more to come. Not knowing where I am headed no longer sends me in a spiral of fear swirling. Only He knows which dreams will happen in my lifetime. It’s not for me to worry about. It’s not for me to try and figure out. I wanna spend my life at peace with my soul, at rest in His ability and His strength to accomplish everything He spoke. So I rest knowing He has led me this far, and He will continue to lead me. Hand in hand I have nothing to fear.